no apologies

My last post was upbeat and excited about the new year. New goals, new things to look forward to. Goals, goals, goals. I attended the Women's March on Washington, which was absolutely amazing and inspiring. Talk about energy - and hope, unity - as you're standing up for something you truly believe in.

And then, approximately 3 weeks into the new year, I got a reminder that I should never get too comfortable, never let down my defense.

There's this certain person, who seems to know exactly how to handle me (so needed and appreciated). "When's the last time you wrote?" he asked recently, and I got defensive goosebumps. Defensive, because I haven't wanted to. I haven't wanted to do anything. I felt all my energy drain the moment I got that phone call and in the week that followed.

"Write about me," he smiled. (don't tempt me, your turn will come)

Listen - my life is pretty good. I'm truly not complaining. There are always things that could improve, but overall I'm a pretty happy person. It is my job to make my own happiness - I am the only one responsible. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

I have this thing about self-confidence - or, more accurately - being too cocky. Even when teetering on the edge of appearing a bit too sure of myself or a situation in my life, I gently remind myself to back up and know my place. I once told a friend that I was always looking over my shoulder, waiting for a tree to fall on me. That's just a dramatization, of course... but the point is, I wait for the other shoe to drop when I'm happy or things are going well in my life. When certain things unfold and I hesitantly share, acquaintances who know no better of life/the situation offer polite condolences or advice and likely judge me on their own time; my friends know and understand. Yet, I imagine even they feel sorry for me, but secretly wish I would just put my foot down, get shit done, and get out of my own way.

Just - I'm not the one in the way.

It seems so simple when you're not in the position. Maybe - when you don't have a smaller version of yourself waiting for answers to questions that are largely unasked but understood. When every decision you do or don't make impacts their life so much. When you care, so much.

When the beginning melody of Sia's "Breathe Me" unravels unexpectedly on my playlist, I freeze in response, to this day. I know more about addiction than I care to know, and have seen it ruin way too many lives. I have personal experience, but it isn't my bloodstream that was polluted by drugs.

It was my life. And in some way, it still is.

Forgive me if that seems dramatic. It's just that, life and its irony keeps me on my toes, and keeps me laughing, more often than not in disbelief. I laugh because I have to, because the alternative doesn't really help or make things better. But, I'm exhausted. Is it okay to give up - or want to give up? This is the question I have been asking myself quite frequently the past few weeks. I cannot help any longer... I cannot give any more of myself. I am absolutely drained.

Selfishly, I'm sick of it impacting my life. It's not my job to make it better. And honestly, the effort always seems to be in vain. I'm not new here - I know I am not responsible for anyone else any more than they are for me (especially when the subject is addiction)...but the real question is, will I be able to live with myself when the inevitable happens?

How long does one fight before they let it be? When do I look the other way?

Because I know something else I really believe in standing up for... me.


Popular Posts