You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Article Is About You
You are a part of my past, and now that's all that you are; I have deleted you from almost every part of my life. You no longer serve a purpose, and all I accomplished by allowing you to be there is an opportunity to hurt me more - which, you seemingly grabbed at eagerly each time. I gave you too many chances, something I am famous for doing. While I typically avoid regret (after all, everything is a learning experience), I cannot help myself; I regret even speaking to you after you hurt me the first time. You never deserved my kindness, my friendship, or my love. I know now that you are not the kind, caring person I once thought you to be; you are not a true friend, and do not deserve any space in my heart or my mind.
I am no longer sad that you are not there. I no longer miss you, I no longer immediately wonder what you would think, how you would react to something funny that happened that I couldn't wait to tell you about. I would've told you if you had been a friend, but you aren't, and you have proven it to me repeatedly.
My sadness is dulled now, different; it now comes from other places, like the occasional wish to share good news and celebrate my accomplishments with you, when for that split second, I forget. When I think of how proud the person I once knew would be of me. From the fact that it would be completely abnormal for me to reach out and tell you such news, or anything about my life, really. I imagine how I would feel if I ran into you accidentally, and it hurts me that the last thing I want is to see you. I know all you would do is respond with the forced awkwardness that you feel because you know deep down that I know you -regardless of the time that has passed - and that I'm not afraid to call you out on it when you act fake. You're uncomfortable because you know that you can't and shouldn't be honest with me anymore. You're not allowed, and we both know it. Knowing all of these things doesn't really sting anymore.
Yet, I am occasionally haunted by certain memories. I am human, after all.
"Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory, but it has you." ~ John Irving
I remember when you reached out to me with apologies of how you f*cked up, how you wished it was different, how it all could have been different. That you missed me and you realized too little, too late how important I was to you. Those apologies were what most people probably wait to hear after the way you hurt me, but they really didn't change much. What haunted me the most was when you told me that I was right - you're not yourself anymore, and you hate it; the latter via Snapchat, where words conveniently disappear.
Much like you did.
I struggled with that for the longest time; it made me sad that you were being anything but your authentic self, even if I wasn't in your life anymore. However, I know now that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you're happy, if you're sad, if you're being true to yourself or not. It's not for me to think about, and my friendship is not yours to have. You never wondered if I was sad or if I was happy. You never chose me, whether in love or in friendship, and I'm not sure why I ever gave you a chance (or three) to wonder if I was worthy.
The memories of you are becoming blurred. I am experiencing the familiarity of disconnect when I think of you now. Sadness has given way to indifference and distaste.
I told you once a long time ago that actions speak louder than words, and you'll see that now when I back up my words. When you miss me, please know you made the choice for both of us. You should never have to hide a friendship.
Thank you for reminding me that anyone that doesn't choose me isn't worth being sad over; thank you for reminding me how important it is to love myself first.
Thank you for helping me to choose myself.
p.s. that other article wasn't about you... but yes, this one is. xo