blackouts + blog posts

Blackouts + blogs 
When I started dating my high school boyfriend, "I Like it Like That" by the Blackout Allstars was his favorite song (I mean, it was 1997, give him a break). Not the point of this post, but a fun trivia fact.

Did you ever hear about repressed memories - how your brain can essentially block out harmful events and memories to protect you? I never gave the idea much thought until after I was divorced (I never had any reason to think about it at all). But after 2009, I would try to recall details - messy details - and not so much struggle to recall, but remember along the way what had happened, and how many details I had missed, where I'd go, oh yeah and backtrack. It felt like remembering for the first time how crazy that whole situation really was (because it was). So many times I was left feeling surprised, as though I had forgotten a very important story from my past, and considering I lived it, wtf. Trust me, it's super weird. I am also pretty much expert level at blocking out my entire relationship with my ex-husband. 2003 - 2009? A bunch of black holes, and no drugs were consumed (by me, anyway).

So, while this isn't a huge revelation, it's quite odd that I forgot I am not new to this whole blogging thing. I couldn't even find it at first, and I have no way to access it, but, wow. I kept it for less than a year, from June 2005 - January 2006 (before I was even pregnant with Richie) and I have a few things to say.

1. Wow.
2. I was 24. Seriously? I think I was 80... and obviously bored out of my gourd. Jesus.
3. I may have been a better writer then than I am now... lol. And smarter (besides the whole ex thing).

I almost hesitate to share, but c'mon... what fun is it if you can't make fun of yourself. I don't know if I even know who I was back then. I really lost myself, like my core, during that time.

The funny/sad part is I actually had my shit together - I did. Probably more financially than I do even now...I knew what I was supposed to do. The posts start to detail the beginning of the spiral... people actually read this blog of mine and would comment. One posted anonymously that "I'm sure you love your boyfriend, but he sure does seem to cause a lot of problems in your life." Hilariously ironic to read in my seat today, but of course all I did then was be defensive (insert eye roll here).

Anywho... there's a piece of the past. So glad that's all it is now. *clinks glasses*

And hey, I could have been this guy that I went to high school with... so looks like I'm coming out ahead! Guess I'll be missing him at the reunion... (what.the.actual.fuck?!)

Speaking of blackouts... 

I just received a letter from the State of New Jersey that I am receiving a cost of living increase (assessed and granted every two years, btw) from $27 to a whopping $28 weekly in child support. Please, refrain from envying me, I know it's difficult. And, no worries! It doesn't get paid anyhow.

One of these days if I can properly harness my frustration, disappointment, and complete anger at how disgusting the court system can be for single parents, I might actually sit down and write a cohesive article about the lack of accountability, mountain of obstacles and financial hardships that are incurred in the legal process. Just common single parenting woes...for now, I choose avoidance and gratitude that I am able to care for my son on my own.

I am angry because not everyone is as lucky.

Oh well, cape's off for tonight, time to go binge watch Younger (more on THAT later).


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